the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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