Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
