I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
