my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
