did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
