i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
