I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
