Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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