He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
