Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
