Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
