enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
