when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
