I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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