I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
