The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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