Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
