Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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