I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
