My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
