It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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