Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
