I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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