Umm I'm too high to move.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
