I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
