Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
