she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
