You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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