Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
