3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
