Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
