I wish I could teleport
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
