if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
