I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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