they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
