i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
