Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your cock deserves a montage
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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