as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
