Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
