girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
