I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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