The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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