My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
