Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
