My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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