i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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