Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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