Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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