I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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