I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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