New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
