If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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