So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
