I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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