I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
