Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am mentally ready for anal.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
