pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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