i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
