you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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