I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
